I am a transparent person (even if I do not want too. I wish I could be more mysterious and not so readable). My transparency has caused me pain, but by in large people have responded in love and their lives were enriched. Ultimately I am open about my personal struggles because I give God all the glory for my life and there is always the possibility that someone else will begin their own healing.

What may surprise some of my close friends is what I share in this post. My friends will be surprised because I did not share this battle with them. My friends, for this disregard I apologize.

About two months ago I re-opened a door to a past addiction and during those two months the choice to surrender to those impulses happened frequently. I did put a good fight. I protected my mind…for a time.

Through this season of backsliding I learned a hard humiliating truth: “I am not as free as I thought.” (Do not misread me. I am not encouraging anyone to re-open a door to their past addictions to test your freedom from it. That is just double dumb.) For some reason I had this false impression that I had left the dungeon and that all the chains had fallen off. Truth be told I am still shackled to a long chain. I guess my dungeon has levels. But, through the love, grace, love (already mentioned that…I’ll keep it anyway), and guidance of Jesus Christ this chain will be broken. I will walk out holding the hand of the Savior and keep on walking.

I am learning that digging to the root of the emotional pain is absolutely necessary for total freedom and that for total freedom to wash over you life, the root must be pulled out and burned. Let me comfort those who might be concerned for my salvation. I am not speaking of receieving Christ as Savior, rather I am speaking of living in the complete reality of total freedom from bondage found in Christ alone.

During those two months I could not listen to the reason why this door continues to be a curiousity. The moment of clarity happened when I permitted Jesus to take me to the source of the pain. I get sense that I ignored the groanings of the Holy Spirit because I was listening to another voice. The voice that said, “You are past this. You have dealt with this. No need to go back there.” This is not the voice of the Spirit, but the voice of the enemy. I was lied too.

As I laid on the sofa two nights ago bawling and shrieking on the inside my insides swelled surprisingly with determination. Through tears I uttered, “Okay Lord. Let’s do this together because alone I will not make it. Together we will.”

I am renewed and ready to continue the journey of healing with determination. While there will be emotional pain, I will be comforted that I am not alone.

¹Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. ²Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. ³Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.⁵One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. ⁶When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”